it comes for us all

Every once in a while, you begin to ponder things much bigger than yourself. I hope that you do this weekly (it’s called ‘worship’). But I take that for granted as much as the next guy. This month, I’ve had to ponder something related that has hit me much harder than I first realized.

When you’re young, you are indestructible. You live forever. You have no concept of life being finite, even as you profess belief in afterlife or have family or friends pass away. I don’t know, something about preparing to get married and enter ‘the real world’…but those feelings are leaving me.

A close friend of my family, Tim Stevens, died earlier this month. I saw him for the first and last time since he had gotten sick on Christmas Eve. Tim was a strong, hearty man, and I was blown away by how withered he was when I saw him. Last Tuesday, Heath Ledger, a popular actor, died of an apparent drug interaction. He was only 7 years older than I. And the guy in the photo is my friend Caleb.

Caleb found out on Friday that he’s got lymphoma. Cancer.

He’s 19.

Suddenly death becomes all too real, and its ‘unknown’ quality becomes VERY present. No matter what you believe about where you go when you die, there is a hint of fear, a hint of darkness, of finality, about death. No one in modern times has ever come back.

I know I’m a Christian; I believe Christ died to cover my sins and to reconcile me before God, and I will exist after this life in a life fuller than I can ever imagine. But I wish that faith was stronger, that it could drive out the slight chill you feel when you realize you might have said goodbye to a friend last night…and that the goodbye you said might just very well be that – goodbye.

Pray for Caleb, and I’ll be updating this again soon. Pray for me, too – my prayer is as the dead girl’s father, “I believe; help my unbelief!”

like a fried egg

This morning my head exploded.

Seriously. If you were one of the unfortunate souls to have read this blog this morning, you might have thought I was ready to become Buddhist and hope my next life was that of a cockroach, because it would have at least been one step above this one.

(since I’m typing this I’m sure you’ve figured out that I happen to be addicted to hyperbole – don’t worry; I’m on the patch)

Krissi and I went on a cruise a week ago, and it was wonderful. I got the sleep I have needed for some time. Going back to work on Tuesday was a different matter. The combination of 10 days of peace followed by homework, my job, and the other stresses of life hit me like a sledgehammer. Do you know what happens to an ice cube when it’s put in a glass of hot liquid?

It cracks.

And Krissi is even worse. Her large class load has made getting together for anything other than damage control (one/both of us venting/crying/collapsing/yelling). These have been some hard, hard days for our relationship, and our lives in general. This morning, except for the knowledge that God’s grace is sufficient to cover even my stupidity, I would have questioned the whole enchilada.

Thankfully, I know God works in seasons. However, much in me wants to adopt an old jock mentality (keep your head down and run until your legs fall off, play hurt) instead of throwing myself before God’s mercy. Why? It sounds harder, but actually, it’s easier. Because I don’t just sit at God’s feet and wait for Him to say, “Mercy has been granted! You may now resume your less-stressful life!” I have to keep moving.

I know I’ll get through this. We will get through this. But I never want to live this way again.

Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.

genesis

It's a new year, and as such, is one of the two or three times a year where I attempt to take on new habits. In many places, the idea of "new year's resolutions" has somewhat gone out of vogue, citing their self-centered nature and almost laughable seriousness - even so, with January being the start of a new calendar year AND the beginning of my last semester of college, my last semester as a single man, my last semester of having things paid for by my family, etc., its a good time for me to address a number of things in my life.

I probably have a billion things I could improve in my life - I seem to have a habit of having many good habits countered with many bad habits. For example - I enjoy exercising, but I can eat an entire box of oreos with the best of them; I can be both passionately productive and zone out for 4 hours watching made-for-TV movies in the same day.

My goals for the next year (not in order of importance):

1. Run a 5k.

A 5k? (I can hear the laughter from here) Yes, a 5k. In middle school, I was the kid who didn't even try to run, simply because I hated to watch everyone else effortlessly beat me (I once tried to WALK the mile run, thinking a non-stop brisk walk would be faster than my out-of-breath running). In high school, I tried and failed, able to run a mile in a pitiful 9 minutes. To this day I cannot jog for one mile nonstop. 5k is a good goal, and if I reach that by my birthday, we'll look at the 10k. How am I doing this? By going to the gym for a serious workout 3 times a week, and jogging on the off days to a lake behind my house. I hope these things also help me take quiet time to reflect and pray as well.

2. Read through the whole Bible.

People often make this a resolution as well. They get a plan, or a One-Year Bible with it broken up into days, etc. These things have never worked for me. I think I'm allergic to plans that are tight; I just can't seem to get into something where I have to read this portion, or check off that box. No, what this resolution is about is deeper...me developing a love for Scripture. I want to consume the Word, not just analyze specific passages. I'll take sparse notes and analyze later. Of course, this one has a catch - if God moves me, I might re-read a book or three, so the resolution isn't as much about consuming all of Scripture, but rather ending the year still having a passion for devouring chunks of God's Word.

3. Finish my Honor's Thesis and graduate FSU.

My honor's thesis will be a major accomplishment for me in that not only will it allow me to graduate FSU, but it will instill in me the academic disciplines I need to go into grad school in seminary.

4. Get married and take my WIFE on an awesome honeymoon.

Again, sounds like a given (don't worry, I am marrying Krissi James; it isn't just a goal), but having a ceremony that doesn't break the bank/drive us insane and that honors God is important. Also, I am a huge honeymoon proponant - and not just for the obvious reasons. Not that I've ever been married before, but from what I gather, getting married is an extremely public affair. Yes, you stare into the other person's eyes and make lifelong vows and dance and cut cake and drive off into the sunset, but everything up until that point is done for and in front of hundreds of people. But the honeymoon - I think it is a tangible gesture of a man's love for his wife. Just as the ring does not have to be extravagent but rather should reflect the personality and tastes of the woman wearing it, so should the honeymoon be a gift of love to a man's wife. Krissi's gonna love hers...and I'm not telling her until the wedding day!!! It's a goal because it will cost some money, and as such I need to be very careful with my spending habits so that I have the money to take her on the trip of her dreams.

5. Become a photographer.

Lately, mostly because of the influence of both my job and a seemingly never-ending quest to find a wedding photographer, I have become intrigued and awed by the beauty of photography, in all its forms. Abstracts and nudes bring me back to my days working in the art museum, nature brings out my longing for a connection with creation, fashion makes me want to take pictures of Krissi, and street/documentary photography brings back up what I wanted to do in Panama but never finished - using art to tell the stories of people who cannot speak for themselves to people who wouldn't otherwise listen. My goal is to buy a Nikon D40 and learn to shoot digital photography, culminating in getting to use my skills to document a missions experience for a church.

6. Raft the Ocoee.

Most guys let their groomsmen plan their bachlor party. Not me. In 9th grade, I got to go on a church white water rafting trip, and it was the time of my life. I was scared to even go in the water, and completely self-concious of the fact that I was the weekling in the boat - yet I had a great time. Now, 8 years later, I get to go back, and take on the river again. I want to go with a group of guys who each have meant something to me in life, and who together can worship with me and prepare me mentally for becoming a husband.

7. Bench Press 150 lbs.

Also a physical goal that goes along with the 5k, I've always been a weekling at pretty much anything physical - I have trouble lifting heavy boxes and equiptment, and have little to no endurance. That needs to change. Currently I work out with 100 pounds. Being able to bench my weight is a huge goal for me.

8. Memorize a book of the Bible.

I once knew a guy who had memorized the entire book of Romans. This is awesome. It's not about performing it in front of anyone (if it becomes that, this one gets stricken from the list), but rather the continuation of a passion for the Word - not only to devour it but to make it a part of you. Muslims honor those who can quote the Koran, and Hebrew boys once learned the entire Torah before becoming Rabbis...a man who wishes to become a pastor should do all he can to hide the Word in his heart.

9. Go on a mission trip.

Krissi and I had planned to go to India this summer, but with getting married, graduating, and work schedules we decided to postpone our trip. However, I still want to go serve somewhere this year. We've looked at the winter as an option.

10. Write in a journal.

Off and on, I've tried to keep a journal ever since 10th grade. This year, I want to continue to habit, and do so without large gaps. My goal is not to write in it every night or even every week, but in a year to be able to look on my journal and see content that records a year's worth of experiences, and to still be writing in that journal (or another one if that one is filled up!).

So there you go, Steve's 10 goals for this year. Perhaps next year I'll report on the success/failure of each. Regardless, may they all come to pass if the Lord wills, and all for His glory.